They say that history is written by the victors. This used to be true, until the internet came along, and now everything that ever happens (and has ever happened) is up for debate, as billions of losers attempt to relitigate history to fit their own worldview.

When we published our timeline of the “hipster music” era last week, we did so to settle various arguments we could see bubbling away online about when the hipster era was, who hipsters were, and what music they listened to. We called it “definitive,” confident that it would settle those arguments. We were, of course, extremely wrong.

Instead, it has simply generated more arguments, more discourse, more debate. It has been viewed millions of times and every one of those people seems to have their own nits to pick with it. Usually, we would pay no attention, but after processing the feedback, here are the ten things we admit we may have misjudged slightly.

For balance, there are ten things that you, our beloved readers, got wrong, too. Don’t feel too glum about it. Turns out a few of our readers were in some of the biggest bands of the era.

1.

We consigned Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used To Know” to the zero artistic value pile—otherwise known as The “Stomp Clap Hey” Timeline—and in all senses but one that is 100 percent correct. It’s an unsettling and inescapable song that manages to sound like woodland creatures performing a bank robbery, but also an incel quietly penning his manifesto. Xylophones feel child predator-y at the best of times, let alone when someone’s using one to tap out the melody of “Baa Baa Black Sheep”. The horrible video makes it look like Gotye is living in a house made out of his own skin, his name sounds like neck disease, and Gary Lightbody likes it. However, in an extremely hyper-specific context—i.e. a European bar with blue drinks on the menu and the aircon pumping full blast, even though all the windows are wide open, at the sleepiest peak of a tipsy weekday afternoon—it can actually be quite good vibes.

2.

Criminally, we forgot to mention those little mustaches that everyone was getting tattooed on their fingers. “Fingerstaches,” as they were known in the trade, are extremely whimsy/Amélie/electro swing-coded. It is, ironically, a little hard to put a finger on why. Maybe most troubling is that they always seemed to be worn by the kinds of people who shouldn’t be putting their fingers that close to their nose or mouth. Other generations have been savvy enough to know that what you do with your hands when you are young needn’t last forever—Gen Alpha and Gen Z will one day stop doing 6-7 and Gen Xers have long since laid down their “snoochie boochies” finger-cannons—but as millennials age into their forties, they are still sheepishly trying to conceal their once-beloved fingerstaches from their colleagues and dying in-laws as the world grows less whimsical and more mean with every passing day. This is not a plea for sympathy. These people completely deserve it. What the fuck is so funny about a mustache anyway?

3.

Underestimating the psychedelic effects of caffeine and alcohol. I thought all the people mentioning “Sparks” in the comments were talking about the beloved pop duo. Not so: Apparently there was some kind of now semi-mythical proto-Four Loco concoction doing the rounds in Williamsburg in the very first years of the new millennium, a booze with not just caffeine but taurine, ginseng, and guarana snuck in it that sent people to the stars by stealth.

Legend has it the company decided the best way to launch Sparks was to simply give loads of it away. The most boring people alive refuse to shut up about DMT and ayahuasca but it’s funny how many people worldwide have had mystical experiences from simply drinking alcohol and caffeine at the same time. It’s the kind of elixir that has fueled six decades of youth crime in Scotland (“wreck the hoose juice”). Ultimately, Sparks was not permitted such leeway, and in 2008 13 U.S. states and the usually quite liberal city of San Francisco joined forces to get it outlawed. Though not before it had cast its spell on Tribeca.

4.

No mention of Thee Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra, Land of Talk, Pawa Up First, [insert band with specific emotional attachment to you here]. If we were putting together a comprehensive list of every Canadian who picked up a wind instrument in the 2000s we’d be here until 2050.

5.

Naming “Cat Grave” by Arch M as our track that “should have been huge” in 2008. We should have made it “Brdrm Band at Cafe Nva”, the less accessible follow up.

6.

Dignifying “blackgaze” with any mention whatsoever. You can’t be playing black metal unless you’ve killed at least one of your friends. Sorry I don’t make the rules.

7.

Not asking Carles from Hipster Runoff for his opinion on the whole thing. Although we did already do that once, back in 2015. It felt “difficult” to get an “authentic” opinion out of him then, and indulging in such nostalgia at this point in the hipster era “long tail” probably isn’t a great fit with his “alt” “personal brand.”

8.

Forcing you to confront the unstoppable progression of time as you hurtle towards death. Sorry about that.

9.

Not citing I’m From Barcelona’s first EP (2006) as the true cause of the “Great Bifurcation” and the start of the parallel “Stomp Clap Hey” timeline. Who knows, maybe it was. We didn’t listen to that dogshit then, and we certainly aren’t going back to it now.

10.

Failing to 1) start the timeline in the 1930s, from which the hipster era apparently took many of its sartorial inspirations, and 2) trace the etymology of the word “hipster” back to the 1950s Beat Generation, who—with their taste for obtuse music, deviant literature, and shit hats—really drew up the blueprints for the hipster era as we came to know it in the early 2000s. Back when I was a mere boy… [waffle continues for another 1000 words] It’s Brylcreem all the way down. Shut up, old man!

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10 Things That You (and Jack White and the Keyboard Player From Yeasayer) Got Wrong About the Hipster Music Timeline

Now that we have eaten our crow, it is time to gulp down yours.

1.

“‘Alice Practice’ wasn’t released until 2006!” Crystal Castles uploaded it to MySpace in 2005 and it went bananas on there before being given an official release. Open the schools.

2.

“Fleet Foxes were quite good, actually!” Zero tolerance for this. A fish rots from the head.

3.

“Definitive?” Sorry, Jack White, The Raconteurs were never hip.

4.

“[yellow man puts hand in the air emoji] I feel neglected” Sorry, keyboard player from Yeasayer, you must not have made it far enough down the page to reach the “Stomp Clap Hey” timeline [awkward face emoji].

5.

“‘Scenester’ is what they called us before the mid-2000s. ‘Hipster’ happened half a decade later.” In our corner: the full crushing weight of global cultural consensus, accrued across a quarter of a century. In your corner: a tepid Todd Berger slasher comedy and one mildly irritating song by The Cribs. We’ll never have an honest conversation about this stuff if you keep trying to fuck with the fundamentals.

6.

“Future Islands was, in fact, an elaborate satire.” There are two schools of thought here. The first is that Future Islands’ performance on Letterman was so free in its strangeness, so lacking in irony, that the only possible explanation is “it had to be performance art.” The second is that it was probably the most genuine thing anyone did in this entire time period and that’s precisely why it signifies the end of it. Which way, cynical consumer?

7.

“Hipster music must, by its very definition, be completely undanceable.” Just how much harder was it to get girls with poetry once “Fuck the Pain Away” came out?

8.

“Worst era in music. Let it burn.” Just found your Twitter… big Star Wars guy.

9.

“[Paraphrasing] This was a ‘white music’ time period [in both the derogatory and weird racist ‘ahhh better days’ senses].” Santigold, Karen O, Dev Hynes, MIA, Azealia Banks, Tyler the Creator, Twin Shadow, The Weeknd, Jai Paul, most of TV On the Radio, and everyone else would very much like a word.

10.

“No Franz Ferdinand.” In addition to the “Stomp Clap Hey” bifurcation, there was also a third timeline in which British guitar music became so incredibly popular that mainstream radio and television retooled itself into a factory farm for men in trilby hats and pea coats, who together comprised a genre we came to know (in the UK, at least) as “landfill indie.” While they certainly gave it a good go, Franz Ferdinand unfortunately belongs to this timeline.

Follow VICE staff on Instagram @kevinleekharas, @yungtolstoi, @emmaggarland

Pictures from VICE issue launch parties 2008 – 2011, by CJ @ We Know What You Did Last Night

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