4 Gutter-Brained Blink-182 Joke Songs Ranked by How They’d Act on a First Date

While digging through the archives of horny 2000s pop-punk songs not long ago, an idea occurred: What if we created a list exclusively of horny Blink-182 songs? They have enough of them, why not?

Anyone who’s been a Blink-182 fan for more than ten minutes knows that’s a crucial part of the whole package. So, after careful consideration, we narrowed down four decent Blink-182 joke songs.

To take it a bit further, here’s how I think these Blink-182 joke songs would act on a first date. In the spirit of videos like “How my boyfriend thinks my handknit sweaters would flirt with you at a party,” of course. Ranked from Seriously Gutter-Brained to Federal Government Watchlist Now.

“Mother’s Day”

“Mother’s Day” appeared as a bonus track on the “red take off” version of Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. As far as Blink-182 joke songs go, it’s pretty standard fare. References to sex acts that aren’t so much references as they are explicitly stated as the only lyrics. “Mother’s Day” would be pretty tame on a first date, however, at least in comparison.

It would pick you up at your house, and you’d be impressed at the considerate gesture. Until “Mother’s Day” spends ten minutes on your front porch ogling your mom. The whole thing devolves into a bit of a “Stacy’s Mom” situation. And while you ultimately reject a second date, “Mother’s Day” takes this as a sign that your mom is available instead.

“Just About Done”

“Just About Done” is an early joke track from Blink-182’s 1995 album Cheshire Cat. It’s a cacophony of drums and bouts of shrieking amid the repeated lyrics, “Just about done with your butt, we’ll let you know, hey.” On a first date with “Just About Done”, it shows up an hour late to dinner with a cagey excuse that you don’t quite believe.

You let it slide. Until 15 minutes into a fancy steak dinner, “Just About Done” loudly asks if you’ve ever “done it up the butt.” Yeah, in those exact words. As you abruptly leave the dinner table to make your escape, “Just About Done” asks about a second date. You can only shout back, “We’ll let you know.”

“F**k A Dog”

Another bonus joke song off of Take Off Your Pants and Jacket, this one appeared on the “yellow pants” version of the album.

This was actually one of two songs Blink-182 used to intentionally p*** off MCA Records, which was pushing them to write more for the album. The other was “When You F***ed Grandpa”, except “Grandpa” was originally “Hitler,” which is actually the least terrible scenario between the two. The bar is in hell, obviously.

For this one, though, the title is more or less self-explanatory for the rest of the track. As for this hypothetical first date experiment, “F**k A Dog” would plan an afternoon at the animal shelter. And that’s all I’m willing to say about that.

“Degenerate”

“Degenerate” appeared on Blink-182’s 1997 album Dude Ranch, and really takes the cake in terms of obscene irreverence.

It’s written from the perspective of a guy who keeps getting arrested for things like being “nude in the gutter” and cattle tipping. But in between stints in jail, he “smoked a bong, killed a cat, had my nuts attacked by rats.” He also reveals that “for a hobby, I make bombs.” So, you know, a real stand-up guy.

When “Degenerate” takes you out on a first date, there’s really no telling what’s going to happen. Jail, federal watchlist, dead—could be anything. One thing is for sure, though: you’re paying for dinner.

The post 4 Gutter-Brained Blink-182 Joke Songs Ranked by How They’d Act on a First Date appeared first on VICE.

Read MoreMusic Archives – VICEMusic, blink-182, Noisey, Pop Punk